Episode Summary
After coming to the conclusion that my “relapse” of a couple of days ago was just a blip, I find myself still awash with negative thoughts. In today’s episode I share those with you.
I also share the glimmer of hope that I am on the way to begin the healing. Listen to the end for one of the most powerful quotes I’ve heard in recent times.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Yesterday I talked about whether my relapse from two days ago was actually a relapse. I came to conclusion it was just a blip. Two days ago, I had feelings of not feeling good enough. That sent me into a downward spiral. I hit a deep low – one I’d not experienced for quite some time.
I wanted to reflect a little bit more on that today because I’ve realised there are still some demons lurking there. Maybe demons is too strong a word to describe them. The thoughts that have come out today are consistent with how I was feeling a couple of days ago. Perhaps a better description might be “skeletons in the cupboard”.
The feelings I have that are washing around inside of me are as a consequence of how I was feeling a couple of days ago. Perhaps consequence is the wrong term to use too. The feelings I have right now were maybe triggered by how I was feeling two days ago. They are certainly consistent with and at least related to those feelings.
And the feeling I have is that of feeling unlovable.
My blippy relapse a couple of days ago was triggered by a perceived rejection from someone I’m attracted to.
When it comes to relationships, I often feel like I’m on the outside looking in. It seems as though I’ll never be able to get inside this ring where people are connected.
Feeling unlovable is a feeling I’ve had for a long time. It’s been one of the challenges I’ve had that does cause me to get really, really low.
At the moment I’m upbeat and relatively positive on the outside. However, there is still uncertainty around and in my body with doubt and significant insecurity too.
Watching my emotions and how they have evolved in the last 48 hours or so is like seeing them bounce down a stairway of emotions. One leading to the next which leads to the next and that ends up leading to the next. And so on.
It’s been quite interesting to spot that. I think I am able to spot that because I’m being a little bit more detached.
I find myself thinking of two questions I know I need to answer.
The first one is “How do I do address the source of those thoughts and feelings I’ve seen manifest over the last couple of days?”
And secondly, “How can I continue to act in spite of those feelings? What can I do to manage them?”
I think that response is a healthy one, although I don’t feel that empowered and strong at the moment. I realise I’m not sinking into a victim mode which I’ve been guilty of in the past.
In fact, I’m actually open to the possibility of change even if it might be uncomfortable or perhaps painful. I mentioned this in a previous episode about my healing should hurt.
I’m reminded of a quote I heard on another Impact Theory video this morning. It is from Robin Sharma, who is the author of the books, The 5:00 AM Club and the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.
I’ve not read any of his books yet, but I was fascinated to hear him talk about his view on the world.
One of the things he said was “discomfort is growth in Wolf’s clothing”, which I thought was really powerful.
So there are my thoughts for today.
Until tomorrow.
