Episode Summary
In this episode I share my thoughts on why I think it is important that my healing from depression and suicidal thoughts should hurt…. Ouch!!!
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hi and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Today I’m going to start with a statement that might sound a little bit odd:
My healing from depression should hurt.
Now it sounds a bit of an odd statement to make, but let me expand and explain why I’ve made it. If you go to a physiotherapist with something wrong with you like a broken leg or perhaps you’ve twisted something, you may have to go through a degree of pain before it’s fixed.
Any form of physical rehabilitation as a result of a serious accident or a bad injury, is going to be painful to treat it. You often see it with people in physical rehab who are rebuilding muscle or restoring flexibility. They’ve often got to push through a pain barrier to restore their physical abilities back to where they were before their accident or operation.
And often that’s quite painful because they’ve got to rebuild muscles that have weakened and atrophied. They’ve got to re-invigorate the suppleness of hamstrings or tendons, which takes time and effort.
In my teen years, I broke an ankle and can remember the physio treatment afterwards was excruciatingly painful trying to get some flexibility back into the joint. Even now, quite a few years later, that joint isn’t as flexible as my other ankle and, I can still remember the pain.
The reason why I mention the pain of physical healing, is because I think it’s also true for my mental health. Healing me of depression and suicidal thoughts should actually hurt.
Now why do I say that, because to some it might not make sense?
I say it for this reason.
My issues are around low self esteem. My issues are around not feeling good enough. I also have tremendous fears of rejection and fears of humiliation.
That has resulted in me avoiding potentially uncomfortable feelings through avoiding potentially uncomfortable situations as a form of self protection.
This has worked against me because knowing I should have said something at a certain time, or I should have done something at a certain time but didn’t, then I then beat myself up for not being strong enough.
That ends up with me plunging into a depressive cycle. It’s been something I’ve known for many years and I’ve seen it time and time again in my behaviour.
I have wanted to avoid the struggles of life because I wanted a good life. What I didn’t realise was in order to have a good life, you have to struggle in life because the struggle makes you stronger.
I’ve now realised this and as part of my healing, I know I’ve got to “grow a pair” and face up to my challenges and deal with them. I can’t keep running away from them.
I raise this now, because yesterday I did a podcast episode looking at an Impact Theory video of seven hugely successful people talking about their struggles with mental health.
The last person interviewed on that video was a guy called Tucker Max. I can remember at the time when I watched the video thinking a few thoughts I didn’t share when I made the podcast.
There were also a couple of facts I didn’t share and this is what I’m talking about.
Tucker Max was talking about the value and importance of therapy. He’s a successful best selling author living in New York. He went through therapy for four years and had four sessions every week during that time.
I went online to have a look at what the cost might be for a therapist in New York and the cheapest I could find was $200 an hour. That’s $800 a week which is going to be $160,000 over four years.
I remember thinking at the time thoughts like this:
Well, you can afford that sort of money to pay for therapy.
You’ve probably got really good health insurance that others might not be able to afford.
Who can afford the time to take off four sessions a week?
I didn’t say these things at the time in the podcast. I deliberately didn’t mention the costs when I was talking about the importance of therapy because I was trying to make it right for people.
I didn’t want people to suddenly start thinking, “Well, it’s okay for you. You’re a best selling author”.
I wanted people to understand the value of therapy, so rather than just presenting the facts, I edited them trying to make it better for other people. And doing this was at a cost to myself. Another example of me not saying or doing what I wanted to say or do.
It was that awareness of realising I sit on the fence rather a lot. I don’t say what I really feel. I’m scared to say what I really feel.
Unfortunately, that’s not going to help in my healing. It’s just going to perpetuate the same feelings that I have about feeling inadequate because I’m unable to deal with things and they’re just going to get worse.
I’m going to end up back where I was a few months ago.
Though I hate recognising this and I’m embarrassed to admit it, the reason I’m doing this is it’s part of my growth and my healing to be honest with myself through being honest with you.
I’ve got to face up, I’ve got to be challenged, I’ve got to risk.
I’ve got to put myself in situations where I feel vulnerable or feel uncomfortable, where I’m going to risk rejection, where I don’t like what I’m doing.
But that’s the only way I’m going to grow.
So that’s why I say my healing should hurt.
Until next time.
