Episode Summary
Today I watched a moving video on the BBC website about a lady who successfully petitioned the local council to make changes to a bridge that had been the scene of a number of suicides. Towards the end of the video she talked about understanding how people who consider taking their own lives feel. She has experienced those feelings and had benefited from being asked “Are you ok?”
In this episode I want to share with you an alternative perspective on why that is absolutely the WRONG question to ask someone who might be depressed. If there is someone in your life who you are concerned about, you need to listen to this. I also share a much better question to ask.
Episode Show Notes
00:15 – The background to today’s episode – the inspiration came from a video on the BBC website called “I can’t lose more friends to suicide”.
02:36 – Today’s episode is not about this girls mission to get a council to improve the safety features on a bridge used by people committing suicide.
03:53 – Today’s episode is about the questions “Are you ok?” (or variants of it like “Is everything Ok??
04:12 – Why asking “Are you ok?” is fundamentally the WRONG question to ask someone who appears to be low (or depressed).
- This is a type of question called a “closed question” – one that can only ever be answered with yes or no.
- Because of the stigma attached to how we are feeling, we are likely to automatically respond with a “Yes” answer.
- It is easy for us to lie with a single word.
- By asking a question that only needs a single word answer, it gives us time to think of something we can say to add to our deceit to make you think everything is ok.
- Because we are quite good at this you will never know there is something wrong because we have become adept at fooling you given the advance notice this type of question gives us.
05:48 – A better question to ask is “How are you feeling?”. Variations include “Tell me how you are feeling”.
06:17 – People who are trying to hide how they are feeling hate this type of question because:
- We can’t brush you off with a simple yes (or no) answer.
- Any attempt to hide how we are feeling by lying to you will be difficult to pull off and you’ll see that we are trying to make something up.
07:38 – The advantage of asking this type of question is that if (when) they answer with just a small piece of truth, it is the first tentative steps towards opening up to you.
08:26 – If you are going to ask this question of someone (“How are you feeling?”), here are some tips for you:
- Be prepared for the answer to be significant and for it to take some time if you are truly interested in helping them.
- Just let them talk, don’t try and make them feel better – the aim is not to solve their/our problems, it is just to get them to talk.
- Let them fill silences – you just say nothing and listen.
- If you have to nudge them into talking more simply say “tell me more”
10:23 – In tomorrow’s episode, I am going to explain the research into the psychology and neuroscience behind why this approach works.
