Episode Summary
In today’s episode I once again reflect on my lack of progress and ask myself this important question.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hello and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Today I want to ask or at least air my views on the question:
Am I committed to my healing or am I just comfortable where I am?
And the reason I want to ask that question is because once again, it feels like I’ve put my healing efforts on hold. At the moment I’m feeling frustrated. I feel almost subconsciously I have an indifference to the challenges I face and to progressing to fix those challenges.
I don’t seem to be taking any proactive actions to start addressing those challenges.
I’m tired at the moment. I’m glum. I don’t know whether it’s a healthy normal glum or whether it’s just a post depression glum. But either way, I feel that my progress has stalled.
In going back over recent episodes, I see it’s not the first time I’ve thought this. In episode 57 my Sunday summary, I think I said that I felt I’d stalled.
Back then I think I made the commitment to go back into Learned Helplessness by Martin Seligman, which I did at the time.
That has been a book I have drawn a lot from, but I seem to have drifted from really applying myself to it. I only seem to consult the book when I have a blip or if I confront an adversity I don’t deal with very well.
I wonder whether I’m doing too much in my life to try and fix things. Maybe I just need to relax.
So asking the question, “Am I committed or am I comfortable?” I think the answer is I’m probably comfortable.
Because things are sort of okay. The problem isn’t really hurting enough. Although I had the blip last week that didn’t feel comfortable.
I think I have to ask myself where do I go in the future? What do I do?
I think the only answer is that I need to keep moving forward. I need to keep making these posts because I’ve got a record of how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been exploring.
That allows me to put into context over a longer period of time rather than just take a snapshot judgment of where I am right now.
I think I should keep hoping that things will pick up and things will move forward.
I’d like this to be an instant change such that everything is much better. But I’ve realised, and I think it’s obvious really, that this is an evolution.
It’s about continual, gradual improvements. I may not be able to see the day to day improvements because they’re so small.
However In a year’s time, perhaps on the anniversary of when I went and sat down in front of the GP and explained to them I wanted to take my own life, then that’s when I probably need to reflect on how far I will hopefully have come at that point.
So that’s Today’s episode.
Nothing exciting today, I’m afraid, but it’s part of the journey and I think it’s useful to share that with you.
Until tomorrow.
