Episode Summary
I have noticed I seem to be avoiding putting the effort in to address the root causes of my suffering. I am doing lots of other things. I am getting distracted by activities that on the surface appear to be helping me heal. But the reality is I seem to be putting off what really needs to be done. I reveal all in this episode.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hi and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Today I’m doing another episode outside because I’ve got an emergency appointment to go to the dentist. So I thought I’d take the opportunity to reflect on the progress I’m making at the moment on my way to sit in the chair and have my teeth examined.
I’ve noticed something quite interesting.
This will be the 45th episode I’ve recorded. Over six weeks of reflecting on the stages of my journey from utter despair to hopefully somewhere more pleasant to be. I think I’ve spotted an avoidance of actually dealing and addressing with the issues I’m facing.
I had a couple of relapses last week or blips as I described them and I felt really bad for a couple of days. I’ve recorded episodes where I talked about taking cold showers. I’ve published episodes where I’ve talked about the problems I’m having dealing with the NHS and trying to get some support. And I’ve recorded episodes with just general reflections on things I’m doing.
But I’ve noticed I’m not really taking full responsibility for moving my state forward. I seem to be happy to settle and just be in place of limbo. I’ve described it in my journal as being between a rock and a dark place.
Because on one hand I’ve got this wall in front of me that I’ve got to climb over in order to find myself in the promised land of greater levels of happiness. And then I’ve got this darkness behind me that every so often I keep dipping back into.
I’ve realised I’m probably avoiding dealing with the issues because as I said in a previous episode, I know it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be painful and I think subconsciously I’m avoiding those things because my focus seems to be flitting from one thing to another.
It hit home last night. I think I mentioned yesterday I’ve invested in the Wim Hof Method Fundamentals course. I watched the first video last night. I got a better insight into the breathing activities as they should be done, but I also got to see the scale of effort and focus necessary to go through the program for 10 weeks.
This isn’t just about watching a video, it’s about actually doing it. It’s about doing the breathing exercises and taking the cold showers as well as doing some reading and reflecting. It requires quite a high level of commitment to apply yourself to the programme.
I think I’d been avoiding that level of working on myself. I’m reminded of describing in the early days how I believed I’d got into learned helplessness. And it still seems to describe very well the place I’m at now in terms of not really moving forward.
I have moved forward a lot more than I expected. This progress has been in terms of the practical things of getting on with life, getting out of bed and looking at myself and getting back into a good physical shape.
But the emotional stuff – I’ve just avoided that wherever possible.
The subject of learned helplessness came back to me yesterday when I was reading. I had actually invested in the book by Martin Seligman called Learned Optimism where he talks about overcoming learned helplessness.
I had got to a point in the book where there was a test to see where I was on the learned optimism scale. It would reveal how susceptibility to depression I was and reveal how my mindset is in terms of the way I think about things.
I can remember closing the kindle book at that time and choosing something else to do. If I opened up that book now it’ll go to that page – I’ve not done anything with it.
I realise I’ve been hiding from facing up to what needs to be faced up to.
I’ve probably got to be a little bit more disciplined, even if it’s only just a little bit every day. I need to start working on my fears, my beliefs, my skills even. I know a lot of this is about not having the skills or emotional intelligence to deal with people socially. Although I’m sure people who know me would probably be shocked to hear me admit that.
I wish it was all progress and moving forward, but it’s not.
However, I think I’m developing a greater level of maturity and emotional awareness to spot these things. It hasn’t come out of a period of time when I’m at a real low. This has come out of a reflection where I suddenly thought, “I can see what’s going on here”.
And rather than avoiding it, which I think I’ve done a bit of in the last couple of weeks, I’m going to face up to it. I’m admitting it here, saying it publicly, and that will help me on my journey moving forward, no doubt.
So that’s today’s thoughts.
Until tomorrow.
