Episode Summary
In today’s episode I explore the dilemma I am facing about getting into an intimate relationship. It has been 2 years since I ended my last significant relationship, one that was the catalyst for the challenges I have been facing recently.
As I start to begin to feel better about myself, I am still faced with a dilemma about whether or not to get involved with someone.
Episode Show Notes
00:11 – A potted history of all of my significant intimate relationships – I really feel sorry for my poor ex-wife for what she had to endure when I was depressed.
01:16 – I am very lucky to still be good friends with my ex-wife and in fact, were it not for her unwitting intervention I would not be alive today.
01:38 – A previous living together relationship was itself a trigger for deep depression.
02:21 – My last significant long term relationship that I ended 2 years ago was one of the significant contributing factors to the recent darkness that led me to the GP’s consulting room 5 months ago.
03:22 – As I am starting to feel much better about myself and understand me more, I am getting a spring back in my step and a twinkle has returned to my eye.
03:33 – I miss intimacy and the physical, emotional and intellectual connection with a woman.
03:51 – I am in a social environment where I am meeting women I could start dating – but I am concerned about getting involved with someone.
04:12 – I think I have a responsibility not to subject someone to putting up with me if I descend into the darkness again – it would not be fair.
04:37 – I am reluctant to share my situation with a potential lover because I am fearful they will be repelled by it.
04:58 – The stigma I have about admitting to having this problem means I am not prepared to be vulnerable about it to anyone I might want to impress enough to engage in a relationship with.
05:40 – I am torn by the similar dilemma of feeling incongruous if I do meet someone and NOT share my challenge with them.
06:27 – All of this creates massive inner conflict for me if I find myself becoming close to someone. I think it would be easier to put the brakes on.
07:01 – I think I’d err on the side of caution of having fairly superficial friendships (by comparison) rather than a deeper intimate relationship where they might be subjected to the darker side of me.
