Episode Summary
In this episode I reflect on how isolating myself from others so I can hide the challenges I am facing (because of the stigma attached to issues around mental well being), has a unforeseen cost attached to it.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hi and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Today I want to talk about one of the casualties of my inner conflict.
Now I associate having challenges with my mental well being as a negative. I have a stigma around that because of the challenges I’ve had in the past. I think I’ve done an episode where I described those.
It is because I don’t feel good when I’m struggling with stuff and I don’t feel good because I struggle with stuff. As a result, I don’t share it, I hide it, I keep it to myself and I suffer in silence.
The reason for that is because of the fear of rejection; a fear of judgment; the fear of what people will think about me, not only in the moment but on going; I’ll feel I’ve compromised myself in some way and feeling I’ve let both myself and others down if I admit there’s a problem.
Those are strong, powerful drivers. And so that means I hide it from others.
When there are people close to me, it’s harder to do that. I live on my own so I don’t have to put on a face in the house or allow anyone that close to suffer me suffering those challenges.
But for people close to me, it is hard for those I see frequently. I’ve got to put on a show and act as though nothing’s a problem. Or perhaps just avoid those situations completely, which is something I’ve got quite good at doing.
For those at a distance, it’s easier to handle because you can avoid answering phone calls if you are feeling really low. Because they are not local and are not going to see you, it’s easier to hide what’s going on.
But unfortunately there’s a price to pay for doing that, particularly if you manage the distance or manage the isolation over a long period of time.
Personally I’m thinking of two families from my military past who I’ve known for 30 years or so.
They live at some great distance away from me, so I wasn’t seeing them very often at all. And so it’s been very easy to hide my suffering because the distance between us. We didn’t speak very often, but often enough to rekindle what has been a really strong friendship over the years.
But over the prolonged period of suffering I’ve had, and the challenges I’ve had to overcome over the last few years has meant I haven’t kept in touch because of just not feeling good enough.
Of course they’re not to know why that is.
But recently (yesterday) the impact of me doing that has really hit home.
In the last year, I’ve had unsuccessful contact with both these families; one because of a funeral and the other because of a wedding.
I reached out through Facebook as, I suppose, a tentative attempt to reconnect with people who are still very special to me, despite the lack of contact. It’s quite easy to put a Facebook message together.
But in both cases I had no response.
It saddens me that I’ve allowed it to get this far and I’m probably still too fragile to go and rekindle it as though nothing untoward has ever happened.
I think it’s because I can’t really explain to them why or I’m still resistant to explain to them why.
It might be that those friendships are gone forever. And that is quite sad…. that’s very sad.
Maybe I’ll come to my senses at some point when I’m feeling better and I’ve got a handle on it.
So there are casualties to my inner conflict and friendships that I’ve not been able to nurture and keep alive are just one of those casualties.
Until tomorrow.
