Episode Summary
Today I had my weekly counselling session as usual. I have been struggling to justify why I need counselling as I now feel so much better. In this episode I explore my thoughts on this and explain why I HAVE to keep attending counselling sessions, even if I feel like I don’t need them at the moment.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hi and welcome today’s episode of Hope, Help, Happiness.
Now today has been counselling day. I can’t believe just how quickly these days come around. It only seems like yesterday I was sat opposite my counsellor talking about whatever it was we talked about last week.
At the moment I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. I’m struggling to justify my on going attendance at the counselling sessions. Or at least I was until this morning.
My reason for that was because I haven’t felt this happy for a long time. I’m extremely positive at the moment. I’m very upbeat and I’m making significant progress in sorting out all the problems I’d allowed to build up. This was when I was in a state where I didn’t feel I could manage or cope with anything. So the contrast between where I was just a few months ago to where I am now couldn’t be more stark.
In fact others who only know my public persona me would probably be shocked to realise the places I’ve been over the last few months. With all that in mind, I’ve been questioning whether I really need to go to counselling?
The other thing that’s been quite interesting is the relative passive nature of the counselling approach. We just sit and we talk. I usually come up with something to talk about and the conversation flows from there.
I’m doing most of the talking because it’s about me and every so often my counsellor will chip in. She will ask a question or offer an observation based on what I’ve said. But essentially I’m doing all the talking.
However, I’ve realised what the counselling is doing. I’ve now understood the difference between something that’s going to fix me and something that’s going to heal me.
As a go getting, digital, black and white sort of person, I have believed there’s a fix for me somewhere. However that pre-supposes something is wrong that needs to be fixed.
I believe/believed I’m fundamentally flawed. Part of the conversation we’ve been having during counselling is actually I am who I am. And part of my growth is to come to terms with that.
My healing is going to be a step by step process. It’s an evolution of acceptance and understanding and learning to love myself. I was going to say “again” at the end of that last sentence but I am not sure I have ever loved myself. But learning to love myself is probably part of the healing process.
So the difference between fixed and healing is something that’s become apparent to me even through the few conversations I have had so far. And whilst I would like an instant fix, the reality is it’s going to take some time and that progress may sometimes be backwards for a while as I move forward.
Therefore, in my mind there is a strong case for keeping the counselling up.
But this morning that case was strengthened almost where it is now without a shadow of a doubt, I will continue with it. I’ll explain why in a second.
I walk down to my sessions as it is only a 25 minute walk. It gets me out of the house into the fresh air. It’s a bit of exercise and use the walk as a form of meditation
On the way down, I reflect on what’s happened to me during the previous week. I also reflect on what I can remember about the previous session. I try and work out what I want to talk about for the coming session.
During my walk today, it became very apparent what my starting topic of conversation was going to be.
At the moment I am planning and working on my next professional project. One that’s going to bring me back into the workplace to start developing an income again.
Whilst I was working on that this morning, I had this stomach plunging sensation of not feeling good enough to be able to do it.
In the safety of my of my own office when I’m thinking about my ideas and plans, I’m very positive about them. I start putting things together and start moving them forward. But what stopped me in the past, and what’s been the cause of my challenge has been my reluctance to share those ideas with the world.
It is a combination of not feeling good enough, fear of rejection, fear of the humiliation of rejection and the fear of what people might think all wrapped up in one confusing ball of emotional angst.
And then I get the feelings of self loathing because I’m scared to share what I’ve created with the world. Then I turn in on myself because I’m angry with myself because I feel that way.
This morning I was trying to think of a way of describing this. Here’s my best approximation.
It’s like I have a normal operating band that ranges from generally positive at the top to feeling low (but not down) at the bottom. Over extended periods of time I will oscillate through that band.
Above this band there is another one for the times when I am positively euphoric. This is where I am when things are really, really great. It might be listening to some great music, laughing uncontrollably with friends or perhaps having sex. These feelings are usually short lived and generally subside leaving me back in my normal operating band.
But then underneath my normal operating band there is this dark layer which is like the underlying unconscious operating system I’ve got. This is where my problems lie.
Today what happened when I had this feeling of not being good enough, something reached up from that dark place and tried to pull me back down there again.
It is the dealing with lure of the dark layer that is my challenge. In the past I’ve allowed its power that to build up where more arms have reached up to drag me down there. I’ve stayed down longer than is healthy. I’ve even wallowed in that layer because I had become used to its darkness.
But now I’m firmly back in the “normal” layer, it’s a case of using counselling to deal with the feelings that emerge from that darker layer.
It’s interesting that for me right now, on a superficial level everything is positive. And I was thinking about this in relation to social media profiles.
If you look at someone’s Facebook feed or their Instagram account, you’ll see a superficial level of happiness. You’ll see the photographs taken when they’re smiling and when they’re happy. They are a record of times when things are going really well. The trouble is, you don’t see the problems.
What you’ve got is a millisecond’s capture of the veneer of what’s happened when that photograph was taken. And we assume that’s what people’s life is like.
I grew up a Disney view of the world because I watched so many Disney movies as a kid. I assumed that everyone should be happy and get on with each other. And I assumed that if I felt wrong, it’s because I was wrong whilst everyone else was right.
That’s one of the problems I’ve got to deal with. Today, my counselling session focused on that.
We discussed those feelings. We also discussed how yesterday when I was at the doctor’s and he asked me about my situation, how I felt flawed and scarred because I had to admit I have (had) a problem.
Counselling is giving me is a way to explore some of these ideas safely without me beating myself up which has been my tendency in the past. Where I’ve pondered on these things in the past and have been down, I’ve a tendency to drive myself down further.
But counselling allows me to express those thoughts and have the negative one challenged and brought back into the positive.
And that’s why I’ll continue to go through with the counselling to explore some of these ideas and start chipping away at some of those beliefs that are causing me to think like this.
It’s not happening as fast as I would like, but I’ve got to come to terms that. Maybe that’s part of my growth as well – but it is happening. I’m starting to gain a much better feel of what these challenges are.
So until tomorrow.
