Click on the Play Button to find out if you are a Facebook False Friend

Episode Summary

You will see a lot of Facebook posts from people expressing support for suicide awareness or offering to listen to anyone who is struggling with depression and might need a chat.  Whilst they are well meaning, they are ineffective and serve no more than to make the person posting the message feel better about themselves.  I share my thoughts on this issue in this episode.

Episode Transcript (Edited)

Hi and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help and Happiness.

So the question I want to ask you today is, are you a Facebook false friend?

Now what do I mean by that? Well, I’ll explain that in a second, but let me just give some context to this. Yesterday I did a post on the United Nations world happiness report 2019. In going through a summary of it on a retailer’s blog, I came across some interesting information. It was about the importance of social connections and the challenges that social media is having on our mental health.

It also tied in with a couple of recent posts that have popped up in my Facebook feed that had me thinking about the sort of help people feel they’re giving. This is about how people think they are helping through the use of social media versus what is actually needed.

In the happiness report, it said social connections and community are fundamental if you want to be happy. This report whilst focusing on happiness, also said social media is making us less happy.

Put aside the fact the more you visit social media platforms, the lonelier you will feel.

Put aside that Facebook use has been negatively associated with physical and mental health and life satisfaction.

Put aside that social media has been shown to trigger inadequacy, ostracisation and outrage.

Today’s episode is about how people think their contributions on their social media platforms are in some way, shape or form having some impact on helping people deal with their mental health challenges or depression or feelings of suicide.

I’ve had a couple of posts from different people I’m connected to recently in my Facebook feed that got me thinking. Both are well meaning, but I think what’s happened is they feel they’re contributing to a solution to the problem by writing a few lines on their timeline. Or they feel they’re genuinely offering support to people who might be struggling just because they’ve made a post on social media.

I suspect it’s given them a feeling of, “I’ve said something about this, therefore I can tick that box and I feel I’ve played a part in it”.

There are two types of posts.

The first is one saying something along the lines of “I’m here. If you need to talk then do come and have a chat. I’ve got drinks, you can talk and I can listen if you need it. I’m here for you”.

It’s a nice sentiment to share with all of their Facebook friends. But they don’t really help.

They might work for women who are more open than men about sharing their difficulties with their friends and family (I’m quoting others when I share that)

The problem with these posts for us men, is we look at that and whilst we recognise a supportive sentiment, we’re not going to ask for help from you.

The other type of post I find almost offensive is where someone will make some statement about supporting people struggling with depression or suicide and implore their friends to read it, like it, comment on it (“reply with ‘done” so I can see your support) and maybe even re-post on their own feed. They get quite passive aggressive about it and even suggest that not doing it is an indication of them not being a true friend.

I find that extremely distasteful to say the least.

If we come back to the World Happiness Report again, one of the things that came out of it for me was that we have high social processing networks in our brain.

That means there are parts of the brain that need to process the tone of voice, facial expressions and body language to feel the quality of communication from someone else.

When you communicate through social media, all that is stripped out. So the impact of trying communicate important emotional support through social media is limited to say the least. Whilst it might be an efficient way of doing it, it is not effective.

If you know there’s someone who is struggling, make a point of physically going to see them. Take them out for a coffee. Go for a walk with them. See them face to face and really be with them. At the very least, call them on the phone, but engage with them “live”.

The posts where people say, “I’m here for you, come and talk to me” don’t work for me.

Yes, I need your help. Yes, I need someone to listen to me. Yes I need someone who is going to care for me. However, I’m not going to reach out to you because of the stigma which I’ve talked about before in a previous episode.

Real, live, face to face contact is what we really need.

There were times when I was at my lowest that I was just pleading to the universe to someone to knock on my door. Then I’d have to get out of bed. I’d have to put on a brave face and perhaps even admit to them I had a problem.

But it never happened.

What did happen, and I am eternally grateful for it, was a phone call on my birthday. I felt sufficient love and connection in that call to realise I could not take my own life and cause them pain and suffering and there was some hope.

They’ll never know how they saved my life. But it was live human contact that did it, not a bland token gesture few words on a social media post.

I thought I would share this because I think it’s important that if you want to help people who might be feeling low and perhaps might even be contemplating suicide, it’s about being a better friend.

And the only way you can do that is through face to face, heart to heart, eye-to-eye contact with them to really show and put across that you care.

This has been a bit deep and serious, but it was just something I needed to express because I was starting to get a bit frustrated. There is energy there from well meaning people who want to make a difference.

However, they are misguided if they think it can be done through making a post on social media.

Until tomorrow…


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