Episode Summary
In this short episode I just have a quick rant about the problems of letting my mind run away with itself.
Episode Transcript (Edited)
Hi and welcome to today’s episode of Hope, Help and Happiness.
Yesterday I shared with you my experiences of my second counselling session and the followup appointment I had with the mental health crisis team.
Now, there wasn’t much really to talk about, we agreed the decline I’d had in how I was feeling about myself had been arrested. That means I have a much more positive frame of mind. So, I’m in a better place to deal with the challenges I’ve found myself in. These were caused by me allowing my mental state to get to the level it was.
So there’s not much really to add to that. But what did come out yesterday was the frustration I have about not really making the progress that I feel I would like to be making.
There’s a lot I need to do. There’s a lot of things I need to sort out. Things I’ve let slip that I need to get on top of and I’m not making as quick a progress with them.
I’m still feeling in a relatively fragile state to be able to deal with some of those things which means I’m putting things off. I’m still finding some things difficult. I still feel I’m in a state of learned helplessness and it’s frustrating for me to be that way.
I’m also embarrassed to have to admit that. The only reason I’m doing so is because it allows me to air those thoughts to myself so when I come back and look at them, I can reflect on where I’ve been.
But I’ve noticed a big challenge. My mind is running at a thousand miles an hour. It’s all over the place. Going from one thing to the next thing, to the next thing, to the next thing to the next thing.
And I think that’s a big part of the problem now.
I rapidly go from idea to another idea and another and another and another.
I’ve noticed one of the things that keeps coming up is what to do next, to fix myself; to heal myself; to move myself forward.
In just the last week alone, I’ve either read or part read five different books with lots of great ideas of things I could do to help me move forward. I’ve also tentatively looked at three other books as well.
What I’m finding is I’m almost addicted to the idea of doing something rather than the actual activity of doing it. I know there’s plenty of things I could be doing, but I’m not doing them. And yet I still keep looking for more things to do to fix my problem. And yet I’m not doing anything with them when I do find them.
So it’s quite frustrating for me especially as I’ve chosen to find my own answers for myself because I haven’t really got any guidance. I think that’s part of the reason why I’m going to the counselling sessions – to get some form of guidance on how to help myself.
Although my counsellor has said that she won’t tell me what to do. She will just reflect back on the things I tell her. That doesn’t really help me.
I think that’s what I was hoping to get from the health service. Neing told what to do next and then being held accountable for it. But I’m having to decide what to do and I’m having to hold myself accountable for it.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. There are things that are working.
I am getting out of bed in the morning. There were many days not so long ago where I would just lie there thinking and ruminating and worrying. I’ve now gotten into the habit where as soon as my alarm goes off, I get up and then I’m straight into stretching and a bit of meditation. Not as much as I used to do, but I’m still doing some meditation.
That’s as good as a habit now.
Another thing I’m now doing is I’m planning my day’s activities the night before. And on the most part, I’m getting through the activities that I set myself. Although I still find myself occasionally putting things off because I feel they’re too difficult or they are too complicated or I think it’s just going to be hard to do them. That’s the problem I’m in at the moment – learned helplessness.
If I had a big task to do that I’d been repeatedly putting off, I’d still leave it until the end of the day. I’m usually tired at this point and so would roll the task over until the following day. Then that cycle of procrastination would repeat itself.
Today I managed to overcome that. There was a difficult task I needed to do that I have been putting off for some time now (probably a year!)
It was the first thing I did this morning immediately after I had stretched and finished breakfast..
I worked at it for some time and it was quite interesting to see how better I felt just by doing stuff that is still quite difficult and quite challenging for me. But I’d take ownership, and because I was moving it forward, it gave me a small feeling of control.
I think the challenge I’ve got at the moment is I’m trying to judge what progress I’m making by the snapshot of this particular moment in time. That’s usually when I might still feel stressed or tense or anxious or frustrated with myself or maybe a little bit fearful.
I forget that from where I was nine weeks ago to where I am now, is a huge step forward. In fact, where I was just two weeks ago to where I am now is a huge step forward. So I probably need to start looking at the trends rather than the actual situation in the moment.
Another thing I’ve realised is I’ve got to tackle my problems one at a time. Just pick one and deal with it, fix it, then move on.
I’ve been trying to do a little bit here and a little bit there and that’s not made any progress. It’s frustrated me more because there are so many things to choose from,
So that’s where I am today.
I’m committed to putting something online every day as a way of holding myself accountable to move these things forward. In the past when I’ve been really, really low and come out of it, I’ve never really followed through on what I needed to do to keep progressing. Then a few weeks or a few months later, I would find myself back in that situation again.
But now I realise I’ve got to keep the momentum which is why I keep sharing my thoughts here.
Some of the episodes are going to be short, some of them are going to be deep and meaningful. Some might even contain valuable and useful information. Regardless of length, it’s important to me I do this on a daily basis.
So that’s today’s reflections, and I look forward to sharing more with you tomorrow.
