Episode Summary
In this episode I look back over the first 7 days of publishing this podcast and reflect on the journey I’ve taken so far. I share the key take aways from each of the first 7 episodes and highlight how I intend to move forward this week.
Episode Transcription (Edited)
Welcome to this episode of Hope, Help and Happiness.
Today is Sunday and it’s been a week since I started my podcast. I thought it’d be a good idea just to reflect back on those seven days and see what I’ve covered, how far I’ve come, the challenges I’ve had, and just review what I’ve learned from those seven days.
There have been a few practical things I’ve learned about doing this podcast. I’ve been able to find a way of recording it relatively easily, putting it up on line and then getting it transcribed and creating a blog. That’s evolved over these seven days to allow me to do that efficiently and effectively and take the least amount of time because I’ve also got to work and try and generate an income despite the feelings I’m having. So I found a way of doing that and I’ve got a little process set up.
It’s working quite well. So I’m pleased with that. I’ve learned a lot from that.
I’ve learned that I really need to plan the episode the night before to work out what I’m going to say. Then I need to let that percolate overnight so the following day I just say what I want to say. Each episode has only ever been recorded once and there’s no editing of the audio.
I get the podcast transcribed and do edit the transcription. I make corrections to what I meant to say because often I repeat things or I stumble over my words or I use words that aren’t actually what I meant at the time. And sometimes I just add a few comments to explain more about what I was thinking at the time where the words I’ve used have not really expressed what I’ve meant to say.
Now you’re probably not interested in my podcast story and the processes I am using. That’s understandable – you’re probably more interested in what I’m trying to do with the podcast. But the reason I share that is because today is about reflecting and looking back at my journey. And the podcast is just an example of how I’ve learned things – how I’ve developed and grown as a podcaster in just one week.
So I feel if I do the same thing and I reflect on what I’ve been doing in order to help deal with the issues that I’m facing, then I can become more effective at doing that. I can start doing more of the things that work and identify what doesn’t work.
Let me go over each of this week’s episode and reflect on my experience of them.
So the first episode was a frank and honest account of where I have been in my life and that eight weeks or so ago I was sat in the doctor’s telling them that I was planning on taking my own life.
That was a difficult episode for me to publish. It seems a long time ago now. Not only the episode, but also the feelings I had at that time. Listening to me talk and describe those feelings now in the cold light of day, I come across as somewhat detached. I’m obviously very very lucid in describing them (at least I think so!), but it sounds like I’m intellectualising as I describe what were very upsetting circumstances.
I don’t think the emotion of what I’ve been through really comes through there. Now I don’t really want us to use this medium as a way of just dumping all my emotional angst. But I do want to make sure I express my emotions in a way that depicts just how powerful they have been.
The second episode was basically recounting some of the overwhelm I felt when I first started doing this podcast. I’d set this out as a great idea because I could see that it would help me capture what I was going to do and hold me accountable. But then just transcribing the first episode seemed such a huge task and I found myself in this downward spiral as a result. Episode 002 talked about my response and how I still use a variety of strategies to avoid dealing with the challenges I face. It seems obvious saying this now, but that’s going to be something I’ll have to overcome.
What I realised I needed to do was find something concrete to work on because there’s an overwhelming amount of information about dealing with depression and finding happiness. My first approach was to just pick one book, work through it, and try to apply what I learn.
I also thought it was important to explore antidepressants. That’s because the first thing most doctors will throw at you if you go to them complaining or saying you’re suffering from depression or anxiety. I personally don’t believe in them for me because I don’t like the thought of being addicted to a drug. So I thought looking into antidepressants would be a way forward, but I’ve done nothing with that.
Episode 003 was about another relapse of getting sucked into social media before I’d even got out of bed – partly as an avoidance strategy because I didn;t want to face up tot he world. And because of doing that, I stayed in bed almost until mid day. I struggled to get up. I felt overwhelmed and I realised that learned helplessness was at the root cause of this.
I found a book that described it and nailed my symptoms exactly. And so I realised that’s something I also needed to work on. So I started doing some research online. I did some research on learned helplessness using Google then went to the first 10 web pages that came up in the search to see what was there.
I found a whole load of stuff. T hat was great. I didn’t do much with it other than find it and at the moment those tabs for each of those websites are still open on my browser, on my computer.
That typifies the way I’ve tried to do things in the past. I get this great idea, go get all this information, get overwhelmed with it and don’t do anything.
That’s my pattern.
I even see it here as I’m trying to solve my pattern of doing that. My pattern of trying to solve my pattern of getting overwhelmed, find lots of information, and do nothing is – I look for loads of information, get overwhelmed and do nothing about it!
Solving that pattern, (and the irony is not lost on me) is what I’ve got to break through. I know that’s what I’ve got to deal with.
In episode 004, I recounted my experiences of going to the doctors. Here’s the summary – over a period of 48 days, I had six letters, three emails, two face to face consultations, three telephone consultations with five different people where I recounted my story five separate times.
And that means from the first time I went to them with a problem, it’s going to take 216 days before I possibly might get treatment. When I finally got the news, that was a real body blow for me.
But discovering that is what triggered me to do the first episode because that’s when I realised I’ve got to take responsibility for my recovery and for my mental health in general. There isn’t a rescue force going to come in and Save me from myself. That was quite enlightening.
I am now resolved to take responsibility for my mental well being.
As part of my 7 week administrative journey with the NHS I was also recommended counselling. In episode 005 I talked about my first therapy session. The interesting thing about that day was tapping into a real emotional hit halfway during the session which took me by surprise completely.
So I talked a little bit about that session in episode 005. I’ve got another counselling session on Wednesday. They’re going to be weekly and it’ll be interesting to see how that unfolds alongside the other effort I’m making to put things right.
In episode 006, I talked about the book Choose Yourself by James Altucher. In it, he talked about his daily practice though if you’re overwhelmed he has a simple daily practice to get started. My simple daily practice, the tiny step I’ve been taking is simply getting up and doing a couple of stretching exercises.
It was a routine I used to do when I was in really good shape, but I stopped doing it because I started letting myself go. I started resenting myself. I started hating myself. I started not caring for myself, and one of the ways of doing that was not to do anything that was remotely linked to looking after myself. My exercise regime was one of those things. My little tiny step was about just getting up in the morning and doing a brief stretch. I used to do five poses, 21 times. It used to take me 30 40 minutes, but I know that trying to get back to that level was going to overwhelm me.
So all I did was just one simple repetition of each of the five exercises. It took me less than 30 seconds. Then rather than meditate for half an hour like I used to, I just did six deep in and out breaths. That’s all I did.
Just doing that has had a powerful effect. It’s like the tip of the wedge that’s breaking into this problem I’ve got. From doing just that exercise in the morning i began to look at what other tiny steps I could make.
I realised I wasn’t focusing my energy to to anything worthwhile during the day. To overcome thigs problem, I started planning my day the night before and working out what I was going to do the following day.
That’s made a big impact and the knock on effect has been really powerful. I gave an update on that in yesterdays podcast episode.
And that’s a quick reflection on this week. So far I’ve learned a lot.
I realise I’ve got to follow through on understanding how to overcome learned helplessness. I’m going to park the antidepressant stuff for a moment because the learned helplessness is about my behaviour. So even if I identify something I need to do about re-balancing my neurochemistry with something more positive, unless until I’m out of learned helplessness, I’m not going to put that into action.
I’ve come across a book called Learned Optimism, which talks about learned helplessness and how it’s linked to depression. I’m going to read it to discover more information and identify what I can do. And this is the key thing. I’m not looking just to gather more information. I want to be able to do something with it. And that’s a subtle but powerful shift for me.
I think the book Choose Yourself by James Altucher is also going to help give me a positive framework of simple behaviours that will move me forward. I’ll have another dip into that to see what’s in there and see where that takes me.
This episode has been about looking back on the past week. I think it’s useful for me to reflect in this manner. I’ve been doing it on a daily basis and it is working really well for me, not least because it is raising my awareness of what I am thinking and doing and whether that is helping me or not.
Until tomorrow.
